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| Finished reading "Breaking Dawn" the day I got it (8/3) and it was AMAZING. Definitely worth the wait! um um um.
So new layout (pfft!) So i guess i left off the last entry with mimi's sleepover. The sleepover where I completely broke apart. SIGH. I'm still utterly, utterly, utterly embarassed about the whole ordeal. It was last saturday when I went to Glen's open house for BAE Systems (which btw, was not really OPEN given it's a gov't-secured building...) and the primary reason why i was NOT at ACC retreat, WHICH looked really fun... wait, what was the point? Oh. right. breaking apart. UM. So, after leaving the open house, my mom and I made a pit stop at Flushing to pick up dinner and shop around. Besides, I had a MAJOR craving for 牛乃茶 >.<;; OK OK THE POINT. On the way home, my mom and I had a good one and a half hour of uninterrupted time to....talk... and our conversation drifted to Jen. Granted that I am not speaking to my sister, I was pretty unhappy and uncomfortable that the one subject that is actually quite painful to think about HAD to come up. And though I wish i could, xanga is still a PUBLIC site so I can't really say WHAT about my sister that is actually bothering me ("bothering" being an understatement). I wish I could talk to someone about it, but whenever I'm about to, I get nervous and then "Forget it". Well when we got back to River Edge, my head was filled with Jen and problems that when I arrived at Mimi's, I was in a sour mood. My mind drifted occasionally and i was able to have fun, but it was like an elastic band, stretching but never really breaking free, bouncing back to my initial worries. Then, Angela and Liz kept talking about being rebels and smoking cigarettes, weed, drinking, partying, and I kinda.... snapped? In an effort to not blow up on them, I just went to the bathroom. What surprised me next were the tears that began to drip down my face. I just cried and cried in the bathroom... i think i was crying because of Jen, how i lost respect for my role model, my older sibling, how I can't even look at her anymore let alone speak to her. But I think i was also crying because i'm worried sick over my best friends. Liz is so.... CASUAL about sex... i can't even say the word out loud. She talks about rape and sleeping around as if it's a joke , but it's not. Yea, I guess it doesn't sound bad now, but when every single sentnce that comes out of her mouth is about sex and how she's like a slut, I'm sure you'd be worried too. Angela wants to be as "bad" as possible because she's been so sheltered all her life. She wants to drink, party, smoke, hookah, EVERYTHING. It was stupid to cry in the bathroom, but i don't know... I've just...had it. I understand it's their life and they're free to make their own mistakes, but I love them so much that I don't want anything to happen to them. They've done so much for me when I was going through a rough patch that I feel so useless now because I don't know what to do! What CAN i do? I know life's supposed to be simple... but damn, it doesn't feel that way. ... After reading everything over, I realized that I'm so bitter HAHAHA =[
I remember P.Matt's sermon about rainbows, how such a beautiful sight only appears after gloomy weather.
I'm sure a rainbow will appear soon enough. | | |
| LOL. I've been trying to keep myself preoccupied this whole week....like sleeping at 2 and waking up at 4 in the afternoon HAHAHA... sleeping keeps me from thinking about... yea.. Yesterday was palahpallooza (spelling?) and it was interesting. P.matt's sermon was on wisdom and it made me think about a lot of things like: What IS wisdom exactly?
What makes a person wise?
How do you gain wisdom?
How do you give wisdom to others? At church, I've gained a lot of knowledge and and wisdom about God and Christianity itself, and I wish I could share what I know with my family, but they're not as open-minded as I had hoped. Like what P.Matt and Krystle said though, in order for others to see the good in God and religion, I have to change myself first. I have to turn myself into what God wants me to be: caring, kind, generous, forgiving, gracious, righteous, so others can see how amazing the Lord really is. I mean, there are a LOT of "fakes" out there. They go to church on sundays, pray, worship, and then BAM their duty's over and come monday, they're out partying, drinking, cussing, etc. It sheds a bad light on religion and that's why many people are skeptical. I don't want to have a double identity. I want to incorporate God into my life, not just sundays, but the rest of the week too. I know I'm not perfect, I sin everyday, I think negative thoughts, but i want to BE a better person through God... not just pretend to be one. Well, after pallooza, went to the diner with the palah kids and ate too too too too much!!! Ugh why are waffles so enticing...... Ummmm.....well i didn't go to retreat (obviously) because Glen's having a company open house tomorrow and if Mom and I don;t go, she's the only one without family =[ sooo yea i'll be there all day tomorrow and then sleeping over at Mimi's house. OH. I got my housing assignment! BUSCH! YES...! Ugh. Doesn't change the fact that I'm STILL going nuts... my friends know that fact oh too well (mimi and liz).. i feel kinda bad HAHHAA. I just need to keep my thoughts preoccupied...with...something else.... Rutgers is gonna make it worse.... OY.OY.OYYYYYYYY... My heart's beating faster just thinking about it T^T NO. MUST. PRE. OCCUPY. MY. SELF. GAH. | | |
| ...'til orientation!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!! ...not. haha no I kind of am. In that odd "conflicting-feelings-grappling-at-each-other" sort of way. The other day I saw a really cool quote:
"No God, no peace.
Know God, know peace." COOL HUH? Hm. So i did the "homework" P.Matt assigned us and well.. I found out a lot of things about myself that I didn't even see. o___o;; some PRETTY embarassing..... T______T oyy.... btw.. i'm sick. UGHH... hopefully I'll be better by the time ACC retreat rolls around... if i go ;] | | |
| So, my goal (at the moment) is:
Corporate lawyer My initial plan was to become a financial analyst and then when I was tired of the corporate world, I would get an education degree and become a business education teacher. But really, mathematics and I do not mix well. AT ALL. And being on the debate team and all, I really do enjoy law and I think I'm fine with public speaking. So, I figured that corporate law was a fine choice for me. But I'm really nervous. I mean, am I competent enough? I'm not really scared about school, classes, or the amount of studying. I mean, I feel like i'm tough enough to endure that... but once the real world comes and slaps me in the face, what do I do? Am I intelligent enough to make it through? I want to make my family proud of me so badly, I can't even put it into words. Mom has been through so much and gave so much, it's my time to give back. But I also believe that God has a plan for me... but how do I know if I'm going the right way? How do I know if where I'm steering myself towards, is the direction God intended me to steer to? What if I'm unintentionally moving farther from his plans? | | |
| is so endearing don't you think? "When I got tired running from you
I stopped to catch my breath,
There your words they caught my ears.
You said, 'I miss you son. Come home.'
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
the love you felt for me was mine,
The love I wished for all this time.
And when the doors were closed,
I heard no 'I told you so's'
I said the words you knew,
Oh God, oh God I needed you.
God all this time I needed you, I needed you." -Relient K A diary entry from Feb. 5th, 2008:
"I can understand the religious somehow. Looking up to a supernatural force for hope and guidance - how cowardly of them to run away. But, whatever, they're still better off than me - Godless and hopeless." How ironic, 4 months later I'm a full-fledged Christian. It was a fascinating read, to see my thought processes and how much of a difference a few months elapsed can make.
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